Monday 16 September 2013

Life

life seems very pointless, boring, and empty right now ...

Sunday 11 August 2013

Devotion

Dear Jesus,
What was so special about life that made you come back?!?!

Sincerely

me

Tuesday 6 August 2013

Fear..

I don't hate you, and I don't blame you for how you feel. You are trapped in this too! But if feeding an army 100 times a year was gonna get you anywhere, you guys where already married!!! Stop wasting your money! You are as "not an option" as I am! The only difference is that you get to play the cool rich 누나 part in this!" 

Wednesday 31 July 2013

Hiring Ad

I need to hire someone who can hug me when I'm sad without fear of having to love me! 

Sunday 21 July 2013

Is it the time yet?

Things don't seem to go anywhere! I keep working hard and make my boss and customers happy, so I can pretend that there is purpose for me and I should still live..... But the reality is that I'm way too replaceable!

I've failed myself!

Sunday 7 July 2013

Today's thought..

Even in best days; right in the middle of the best moments; when my face is covered with a big smile....... Even in those good hours, I still think that it's better not to be! 

It is kinda painful to know that I'm never an option.....
It's painful to see what is happening! 

I just need a fast painless death and NO after life. 
Can I at least have that?!?!? 

Thursday 13 June 2013

What My Heart Wants

Sometimes I wonder if there is anything that I really want to achieve in my life...
I don't know!
Last February, when I thought I was dying, my only fear was that I die and never see you again! That is pretty much still one of my biggest fears..

Wednesday 12 June 2013

Sunday 2 June 2013

To Be or Not To Be

I'm just thinking that if I die tomorrow, they will say all those crap like: she was full of life and she was happy and positive and full of hope..... 
That would be such a stupid lie haha 
It's one thing to live a lie, but to die with it... I don't know, maybe it's better that way! Who cares anyways! Well, no one is responsible to make me happy, so why would I guilt trick them after my death?! He .. no one was commissioned to hurt me either, but they just did it anyways! 

Monday 1 April 2013

Those Hiccup Moments




Last night we were sitting around the kitchen table having tea when grandma asked me if I’ve ever regretted losing someone. 
It was one of those hiccup moments, that is what I call them. Moments of uncertainty, not because you don’t know the truth, you just don’t know how to word it out! I looked at the calendar, but I didn’t lie…..


Grandma asked: why? I could have lied! Maybe I should have…. I looked at the calendar, but I didn’t lie….. 



“Is there any way it can be fixed?” She asked. I didn’t think. I didn’t look at the calendar. There was no hiccup moment! I just repeated your last message, word by word, and that was the biggest lie that came out of my mouth last night. 




Happy April 1st.

Tuesday 19 March 2013

Trying to Underestand My Own Brain


As human being, we are able to perform complex activities such as standing, walking, lifting things up, and speaking using several muscles, tendons, nerves, blood vessels, and of course brain power. If the link that keeps all these parts together is broken, we won’t be able to perform the simplest day to day task. In fact, it’s the beauty of this organization called human body and the harmony between completely different and yet competent parts that have always allured my curiosity. Like most people, I learned about the importance of our brain and how it controls everything we do, everything we have ever come across, and all that we retain, in elementary school, but if the brain was this powerful, how come I often can’t recall what I had fed it purposely before the exams!? I spent the last 20 years of my life trying to find ways to retain information better and longer in my brain. Although I was able to find a variety of ways that worked for me, I also came to accept that I couldn’t fix everything, and maybe I really had spelling disorder, or reading challenge! Since the beginning of this semester, through participating in a number of online learning surveys, I’ve learned more about myself than I had in the last 20 years trying to figure things out on my own! Now I can understand what my Math teacher meant when she once said: “I’ve never seen anyone solving math problems the way you do!” I’ve also learned how to minimize my spelling mistakes. Never the less, now I understand how I learned English by constantly listening to 12 CEO’s speech on growing their financial companies!


Although surveys such as Hemispheric Dominance, Dominant Leaning Style, Paragon Learning Style Inventory, and Keirsey Temperament can’t explain everything about my brain and how it works, they can help me improve my learning skills in areas that I haven’t been aware of in the past.


Hemispheric Dominance:


Hemispheric Dominance survey (Hopper 2013) is a useful tool to understand how our brain processes information. According to this study, left and right hemispheres of brain process information in different ways. Although both parts are somehow involved in all that we do, including the way we think, we seem to have a more dominate hemisphere. These two sides and their characteristics when analysing and storing data affect the way we interact with our surroundings.


My responds to the survey showed that the right hemisphere of my brain dominantly controls the information processing.


Some of the interesting facts about someone with a dominant right hemisphere, which applies to me, are: we process things that can be seen or touch; we process the information based on how they make us feel; we use illustration and process thought in the form of images; we focus less on details and more on the big picture, and we are creative. As a right brainer, I tend to process information from the whole to part. Knowing the big picture at first helps me chose the right pieces and put them together in a more harmonized way. Before starting a project, I usually know how the outcome is going to look like, and that helps me to organize my research and steps toward bringing that vision to life. On the other hand, the big picture has to make sense to me and feel right before I can proceed with the pieces. Focusing on the end result instead of the details has made me more flexible in terms of using methods, and choosing the required steps.


In a classroom setting, knowing the objective of the lecture, before the presenter starts the session, helps me stay engaged. Illustrating, simplifying, and using examples help me understand the subject better. In classroom, I can understand better and retain the information longer if the subject is being presented through the videos. When learning math, accounting, and working with numbers, I need to understand what they mean and how they can help solve a real world problem. I always try to find a relation between the numbers and characters in a formula and a familiar subject in order to memorize them. I prefer multiple choice questions over short/long answers. I use codes, colors, illustration, and stories to remember the technical vocabularies and concepts. This makes it easier for me to recognize them among the other potential answers, instead of explaining what they are, or what they mean. I still do the same process when studying for short/long answer question, but the process of translating a page of information to retainable codes and pictures is time consuming and challenging.


Using my right brain more dominantly has created certain challenges for me through my life. One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in school and work places I’ve been at is “spelling”. While some people naturally spell words correctly without making any extra effort, growing up I had to spend hours to memorize how words look like in order to spell them correctly. I can speak and write in three languages, and I have difficulties spelling in all three. In order to overcome this challenge I have to highlight the unfamiliar words in a text, and practice writing them outside the context.


Time management and prioritizing activities are other areas that I have challenges in. I tend to get less than what I have planned done in any given period of time. I don’t have a clear understanding of how long it takes me to get things done. Studying, in particular is a very time consuming activity since I need to simplify, color code, and illustrate everything as I study. I also often get distracted with subjects that I find interesting and related to the main topic while they are not in the same level of importance. Comprehending subjects that are not tangible such as computer system, Algebra, and Linguistics, and music is difficult for me, because I can’t memorize the theory by itself, and have to understand and be able to relate to it.


I have learned through experience that memorizing vocabularies by studying the roots of them, using spell check, participating in logical debates, trying to follow directions, following schedules, and using day planner are some of the ways to have my left brain more engaged in the information processing.


Dominant Learning Style:


According to this survey, different people have different preferred style of learning. This study divides people to three groups of: Auditory, Kinesthetic, Visual learners. Each of these groups learns better under certain circumstances using certain tools. According to this survey, I belong to the auditory group. I certainly prefer talking to writing reports, but I always thought it was due to my spelling challenge! I don’t like filling out forms. I prefer oral exams over written ones. I remember how things have been said and I can remember the emotions attached to the speech. Before I was comfortable enough to speak in English I had to listen to a number of CDs about finance for my work. I used to listen to these CDs over and over on skytrain while going to work. Soon after, I noticed that even though I didn’t know most of the English grammar that the speakers were using, I had somehow memorized the correct sentences and started using them in my day to day conversations!


One of the challenges that I face in day to day basis is being very sensitive to noises. I always study with music, because the sound of the TV in the living room or my brothers discussing some business or political issues can be very distractive. I also study in busy coffee shops where it’s hard to recognize the exact words people are saying. Another strategy that has helped me with solving the more complicated problems is stating them out loud in my own words.


Although I agree that my preferred style is Auditory Learning, I can’t deny that I’m also partially Kinesthetic and visual learner. What I got most out of this survey was an understanding that not everyone listens, sees, or feels the same way when observing information.


Paragon Learning Style Inventory:


INFP: “Full of enthusiasm and loyalties, but seldom talk of these till they know you well. Care about learning ideas, language, and independent projects of their own. Tend to undertake too much, and then somehow get it done. Friendly, but often too absorbed in what they are doing to be sociable. Little concerned with possessions or physical surroundings(Shindler et al. 2004)


The result of this survey was more or less what I had already known about myself and my personality. Over the years I had made a lot of efforts to find a balance between how I feel inside, how I am being seen by others, and how I want to carry myself out. Part of this effort is related to stepping out of my “introvert” comfort zone, and learn how to break the ice and socialize comfortably.


Two of the challenges that I do face from time to time are undertaking responsibilities more than my ability to handle them without hurting myself physically, and focusing on my projects to the point that I may not want to participate in anything that is happening around me. These are areas that I still need to find balance in. learning how to say “No” in a respectful way, is a skill that I need to develop.


Keirsey Temperament Sorter:


I’m a true Idealist Champion (Keirsey 2013). David Keirsey describes my world as “filled with profound meaning” and that’s exactly how I see my life! The pressure inside my heart to break through, to go against what is norm but there is no logic behind it, and to stand on my own and show people that I’m capable are what I had to fight for while growing up. Now that I think about it, it all seem that I’ve been fighting against myself, since others involved were either strangers who hardly cared, or those who loved me and really wanted the best for me, but had to let me go in order to respect my stubbornness.


Living as an idealist champion can be challenging. Through the years, I got myself into some serious problems that could hurt me physically, just to prove to others that I was capable of doing anything. An example of that was when I voluntarily jumped into a frozen pool in New Year’s Eve just to show my boss that I wasn’t a little girl! Turned out that my body couldn’t handle the shock as I expected, but they never called me a little girl after that night! With age comes wisdom. I have become a lot calmer too, and incidents such as this don’t happen as often as they used to.


My other challenge, for a long time, was to let myself depend on others. Admitting a problem and asking for help would never cross my mind, and I had to deal with my stubborn personality by myself even when I didn’t have to. As I grew up, I learned to trust and open up to those who care about me. That being said, I still want to keep my independency in most cases.


I’m genuinely caring and compassionate. I see potential in people and want them to be successful, but sometimes I end up dreaming for people that I care about, which they obviously don’t appreciate. I need to learn that people have different personalities, and not everyone can make decision, be flexible, and take steps as fast as I might. This is the area that I may have hurt people because of my personality.


Conclusion:
Passion and challenge drive me. I believe the areas in Tourism industry that deals with protecting environment, improving people’s life style, promoting and marketing the sustainable tourism, as well as teaching in tourism industry are some of the positions I can do well in. I have done teaching in numerous subjects and occasions in the past, and I’ve enjoyed it. It seems that the right path for me in long term involves teaching. One of my long term goals is to teach at Seoul University. Although I rarely talk about it, when I do I can see people trying really hard not to laugh at me. In my opinion, a goal that is not big and extraordinary is not a goal, it’s just a plan.


In my opinion, surveys such as Hemispheric Dominance, Dominant Leaning Style, Paragon Learning Style Inventory, and Keirsey Temperament are valuable tools that I can use to improve and develop the skills and abilities that I’ve worked less on in the last 28 years. I tend not to look at them as my weaknesses, but to see them as opportunities for growth and maximizing my abilities. Identifying the areas that I’m good at, and improving those areas that I haven’t been taking advantage of in the past not only makes me a better employee for my future organization, but also makes me a more capable person in other areas of my life, and helps me relate to and understand the people around me better.




Citation
Hopper, Carolyn. Mark Templeton , "Learning Styles." Last modified 2013. Accessed February 23, 2013. http://capone.mtsu.edu/studskl/hd/learn.html.
Keirsey, David. Keirsey.com, "The Keirsey Temperament Sorter®-II (KTS®-II)." Last modified 2013. Accessed February 23, 2013. http://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx.
Shindler, John, and Harrison Yang. Paragon Educational Consulting and J.V. Shindler , "Paragon Learning Style Inventory." Last modified 2004. Accessed February 23, 2013.